Changing desires

Before I left America, God gave me a picture of our relationship as a young marriage. This time overseas is like an extended honeymoon, where we get to simply enjoy each other's presence and grow in our love for each other, while also dreaming of our future life together. Like the good Bridegroom He is, He wants to lead our new life together, and I fully intend on submitting and following Him, but He also asks for my input. He invites me to the table and asks me what I want to do. What will make both of our hearts come alive? What will draw us closer to each other than ever before? The communication lines are open, and we both are listening to each other—this next life decision we will make together.

Before knowing Jesus intimately, I did my best to make all my decisions based off of His desires alone, trying to silence and ignore my own desires, not trusting them. I am now realizing that while He has plans for me, He still invites me to share with Him my unique desires. Psalm 34:7 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” This does not mean that He will grant you the current desires of your heart, but that He will give you new desires that will replace or refine old desires. May my heart be open and responsive to the new desires He places on my heart! May I trust the love He gives me, both for Himself and for various people or places.

Since coming to Asia, my heart has been under major construction in pretty much every area of life, including my plans and desires for my future. I came here confident in my life plans; I thought I knew what God wanted for my life and I was looking for affirmation for what I was already secretly planning on. Instead, when I came here and experienced culture shock, confusion and loneliness, I began to have a lot of questions about who God is, who He made me to be, and what He wants to do with our life.

God has filled my heart with new and clarified desires, and I have struggled to embrace these desires out of fear. I have been afraid that if I readjust my life course, pursuing these new desires and dreams with my Bridegroom, I will be a failure and a quitter, giving up prematurely on an older dream. It has been confusing for me as I learn how to listen to both my own desires and the voice of my new Bridegroom.

Yet I was reminded recently in a phone call back home with a close friend that it is better to be sensitive to the Lord’s current voice than to be committed to an expired dream. It is normal and good to be flexible with our life plans, realizing that the dreams and desires we have as an 18 year old will change as we learn and grow. And this is good! We are not meant to have one static dream and plan for our entire lives, but we are meant to grow and change and adapt.

For the majority of my life, I have operated from the belief that if something is not permanent, it is not worth putting time and energy into. Because of that belief, I have a huge fear of wasting time by investing in something that won’t last. This fear has led me to avoid certain relationships that don’t feel predictable, to run from risky endeavors, and to hide from new desires, because what if it doesn’t last? What if I fail? Yet I recently read a quote from John Mark Comer that says, “Every time you fail, throw a party–you just took another step forward in learning what you’re not called to do. It’s not failure if you fail at something you’re not supposed to do.” In this, I am learning that with God, no time is wasted. Even if the relationship ends, even if I change courses, even if I decide to walk away from something, does not mean it was a failure. With every experience, with every relationship, with every story comes a lesson and a different perspective on the Lord.

So I am learning to be grateful for the lack of clarity in my future and even in my own desires, because it drives me daily to my Bridegroom and keeps me grounded in the present. It is teaching me to attune to my own desires and to bring them to Jesus. I am learning how to dream shy-bride dreams with my new Bridegroom. I’m learning to notice the difference between excited dreams and anxious plans, trying to allow and encourage the first while avoiding the latter. In this process, I am meeting God as my Bridegroom and as my Wonderful Counselor. He not only wants to hear my desires and dreams, but He wants to lead me and guide me on the best path. I am learning to embrace the tension and uncertainty of it all, reframing it as eager excitement, and allowing it to push me closer to Jesus.