My ducks are simply not in a row

In eighth grade, my literature class theme was on “order,” and we spent that whole year reading books that highlighted how important order and structure was to society. Without it, we learned that cultures broke down into chaos and disunity. My little 13 year old brain didn’t really understand why this concept of “order” was important enough to spend an entire year talking about, but I shrugged my shoulders and moved on. Now, a decade later, my 23 year old brain has a much stronger pull towards order, not only in society, but in my personal life. 

I had a conversation with a friend last week, where she told me that she thinks every person falls into one of two categories: you either have all your ducks in a row, or you’re a silly goose. We laughed about it, and I related to the former, but then I realized that my ducks are quite simply not in a row in this season. I have come to appreciate and value order in my life, but what do you do when you’re a “ducks-in-a-row” type of person, but your ducks are not in a row? At this point, I don’t even know where my ducks are; I think I lost one or two along the way!

I’m at a pretty overwhelming stage of life, where nothing feels in my control anymore. I’m engaged, planning a wedding that’s just 70 days away, preparing to marry the love of my life (!!). We just signed a lease, and currently do not have a single piece of furniture, so there’s the issue of how to fill the home we just signed for, not to mention the added difficulty of not being able to move in until after our honeymoon. I’m also in the midst of looking for a new job. My residency with the Salt Company is coming to a close next month, and because that’s all I’ve known here in Colorado, it feels as if I will have to relearn who I am here in a different vocation. The ducks that used to be all lined up in a row–my relationships, my home, my job–are now out of order and running around as they please.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. We live in a world that values order and “put-together-ness”, but in our 20’s, so much changes in our lives. I think it’s common to crave job security, home stability, and relationships that don’t change drastically. But it’s also good to encourage growth, which requires change and going out of your comfort zone. Because I have a high value for order and growth, there’s dissonance in my life. Can you have both growth and order? 

What I’m learning in this season is that sometimes I need to give myself permission to let the ducks run free. Yes, there will be times in my life where those little ducks line right up and follow obediently, but there will also be times where nothing feels put-together, and that’s okay too. I heard an analogy yesterday that our calling is less like a ladder, where each step is clearly laid out right in front of the other, and more like a garden. In a garden, different plants require different things, in different seasons. They don’t all bloom at once; some seeds are sown while others bear fruit, some plants lie dormant, while others require tending. This can all happen simultaneously, and that’s the beauty of a garden. 

While it doesn’t come naturally to me, I’m trying to learn how to embrace the rhythms and the natural flow of life that means that some seasons will feel more stable and predictable than others. The season of my garden is shifting–some things that were blooming, are now growing quiet and dormant. Seeds that I planted a long time ago are starting to sprout and require much more attention than previously. Other plants still require faithful and unglamorous tending. My ducks are not in a row, and my garden is growing a variety of plants, and these are all good things. The book of Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for everything, so as the soil of the world changes this spring, I’m learning to allow the soil of my heart and life to change as well.