My whitewashed walls

“I will break down the wall that you have smeared with whitewash, and bring it down to the ground so that its foundation will be laid bare. When it falls, you shall perish in the midst of it and you shall know that I am the Lord.” -Ezekiel 13:14

As I read this verse, I realized I have put up so many walls between myself and others, and even between myself and God. I have plastered these walls with whitewash, trying to clean up my outer walls so that no one can see how broken, sinful, and ugly I am on the inside. I especially don’t want God to see how broken, sinful, and ugly I am. I want to appear put together and clean and productive. I want others to see my success and achievements, wrapping my already-processed and censored “authenticity” in a pretty bow and presenting it in a clear box, calling it “transparency”.

Yet God is in the business of breaking down those walls and my false self is dying in the ruins. It’s painful—dying to myself and sitting so open and vulnerable. But when those walls are rubbish, I have a better perspective to see others and see God without anything in my way.

My walls don’t hide me from God, they hide God from me.

Something I want to begin practicing is breaking down these walls, or allowing God to break them down. I’m not entirely sure what that looks like, but I have been trying to take steps towards true authenticity lately. For me, this has involved starting this blog, which I want to use as a space to process my story and share truths I am learning about God and about myself.

As I have processed this verse in Ezekiel, I have thought about the different walls that I put up around myself and what type of whitewash I use to coat those walls. I realized that my most commonly used whitewash—the thing that I most often like to boast about—is my clean, put-together plan for my future. It is really exciting and impressive to talk about my future plans to go overseas and share the gospel! This is a lot easier than admitting that I have been struggling with intense feelings of doubt, fear, apathy, loneliness, and sadness around leaving Springfield.

In reality, when the walls are bare and broken down, I acknowledge that I have been wrestling with lots of negative feelings surrounding leaving Springfield to pursue overseas missions. I am angry at the people around me for not understanding or not sharing this passion for the lost overseas. I am angry that no one else seems willing to go. I feel lonely in this passion of mine, as I do not see many people around me who share this desire and willingness to go (there is pride here!). I feel hurt when others don’t care about missions like I do. I feel lonely when I consider going overseas long term: will people forget about me here? I feel sad that there are people overseas who do not know the Lord, and I am sad that there are people here that I deeply love that I will have to leave to go share the gospel overseas. I also have lots of fear—fear that I will be forgotten if I leave, fear that I’ll actually hate overseas missions and not be good at it. I’m afraid that I am committing to a life of singleness if I go overseas, because who would marry someone who wants to be a missionary? I am worried that I won’t be good enough to be a missionary, and I feel guilty that I haven’t gone sooner or for longer. I also feel guilty that I am wrestling with these other feelings; shouldn’t I just be excited to finally be able to go overseas?

Yet in the midst of all this wrestling with emotion, I have had an overwhelming sense of peace that surpasses all emotional and rational understanding. My faith is still strong, my excitement is not gone, and I am still confident that this is the next step God has for me. I may not understand my own emotions, but I am clinging to my faith in the face of fear, self-doubt, and sadness. I ask for prayers in this season of waiting and preparation. Please pray for perseverance through these hard emotions, and for a continued assurance that this is the Lord’s will for my next few months.