Ordinary obedience

A few days before January 1, 2021, I wrote down some goals I had for the upcoming year. I wrote this prayer concerning missions:

“Lord, the idea of missions has been on my heart for over 2 years now. I pray that you open up an opportunity for me to go. I want so badly to obey you, whether that is to stay or go, but Lord, please may it be a yes. I pray for open borders. I pray for flexibility. Change my expectations, change my heart. Heal my heart from the fear I felt/feel surrounding missions. My heart is tender towards missions—I feel vulnerable and fearful, but Lord, my heart is soft. May I not be hurt again as I re-enter this room. Please be with me every step of the way physically, emotionally, and spiritually.”

For 2021, my hopes and prayers for missions were answered with a “no” from the Lord. Instead, He asked me to stay state-side and engage in ordinary life. I wrestled with this. I hated the thought of staying, I hated the thought of being ordinary or insignificant. One morning in March I wrote: “How can I serve You in the monotony? Will You even notice me then? When I’m doing nothing to serve You, how can You even see me?” Later in April, I wrote “I feel like I can’t be ordinary. I have to be excellent at everything…Am I willing to be ordinary for the sake of sanctification?” That question has haunted me all year.

A few days ago, I read Isaiah 49 and I related so much with the author as he wrote:

“He (God) made my mouth like a sharp sword; in the shadow of His hand He hid me; He made me a polished arrow; in His quiver He hid me away. And He said to me, ‘You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will be glorified.’ But I said, ‘I have labored in vain; I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity; yet surely my right is with the Lord, and my recompense with my God.” (Isaiah 49: 2-4)

Like Isaiah, I felt like God had sharpened and polished me as a tool for His kingdom. I had been poured into and prepared and I felt ready to go serve Him overseas. Yet He chose to hide me in His hand—into His quiver I went, not into the exciting missions field I craved. He promised to get glory through me, but like Isaiah, I felt like my labor had been in vain. I felt ashamed to approach His throne with empty hands.

However, Isaiah does not end his verse with his complaints. Instead, he says that his recompense, or his compensation, is with his God. In the world’s economy, it follows that hard work produces results. If you labor, you will see the fruit of your efforts. However, in God’s economy, your labor is compensated with the presence of the Lord, not visible or tangible fruit. Instead, the fruit comes as a natural result of walking with the Lord, and is a by-product rather than the main reward. The real reward is a deeper relationship with the Lord! This past year has been a testament to this lesson in God’s economy. I have seen little external fruit, and much of the results that I have seen after another year of pursuing the Lord, is within my own life rather than in the lives of those I got to walk with or lead. It has been a year of ordinary, faithful labor. I have learned so much about who God is and who He made me to be, and while I may be struggling with the apparent lack of fruit in 2021, I want to be content to know that my labor is right with the Lord. I can boldly approach His throne, even without fruit in hand to offer Him.

So after a long year of wrestling with this question, I think I have found the answer: if the

Lord asks me to be ordinary for the sake of sanctification, then yes, I am willing! If that means remaining stateside when my insecure heart longs to prove myself and earn my worth, then that is what I will do. This has been a painful and humbling lesson to learn, but what a sweet one, especially in the year leading up to my first overseas missions experience. Now, I have the freedom to go overseas knowing that my worth is already secure, and even if I see no fruit in my time overseas, it will still be worth it because I will be with my Lord.