The first month of marriage as a perfectionist

When Matt and I got engaged, multiple wise people told us that marriage was meant not for our happiness but for our holiness. While happiness is a huge and wonderful side effect, one of the primary purposes of marriage is to be an avenue through which God shapes and grows us more and more into the image of His Son. While that idea sounded lovely in engagement, my mind was swept up in the details of planning a wedding and preparing all the logistics of merging lives with another human. The first month of marriage has already reinforced this truth; the Lord wasted no time showing me that He intends to use our marriage to help Matt and I become more like Him, shaving off areas of sin and refining us. 

People talk a lot in Christian culture about how married couples become “one” in the eyes of God – united in a unique and beautiful way. One way that I was not anticipating becoming “one” with Matt, was how quickly my inner critic, that has been directed at myself for many years, began pointing fingers at Matt too. The voice that for years has told me that I’m not doing enough, and the work that I do get done, is not good enough, is now projected towards my husband, critiquing not only the quantity of his actions, but the quality as well. The lies that say that I don’t deserve rest, I need to be more productive, more social, more fit, is now aimed at this new extension of self. If Matt and I are now one, is it my responsibility to now take ownership of us both?

I quickly reached for the role of taskmaster in our baby marriage, making sure we both stayed on top of everything: waking up early, having a daily quiet time, getting to work on time, exercising daily for at least an hour, eating healthy, keeping the house clean and tidy, initiating with friends so we’re not that one couple that falls off the face of the social planet when they get married, and prioritizing a healthy sleep schedule on top of all that.

I knew I had a strong inner voice directing me, but I didn’t realize how harsh and critical it was until I started catching myself vocalizing my thoughts to Matt. I’d walk in the door and immediately want to correct or critique my husband. My inner voice was ugly when it was directed at me, but even uglier when voiced out loud, directed at the person I love most on the planet. 

Marriage is already the greatest gift that God has given me. Matt is the most humble, gentle, and gracious man that I have ever met. He gives me grace when my heart is anxious to perform and ashamed to rest. When I come home from a long day at work and head straight to the kitchen to cook or clean leftover dishes,, he gently pulls me from my work and invites me to sit with him and talk about our days. Matt is teaching me the value of rest and relationship, even over productivity. He is teaching me to listen to my body and honor its energy levels. I am learning that it’s okay to take a rest day at the gym during a busy week so that we can make a fort in the living room to watch movies. It’s okay to eat ice cream after dinner, even if we used butter instead of olive oil for dinner. It’s okay to sit with your best friend on the couch after working all day; the dishes can wait. 

God knew that I would need a spouse who would soften me, a spouse who would remind me daily that I am human and I have limits. The first month of marriage has shown me that my inner critic constantly demands more, better, faster--of me, and now of my husband too. It makes my heart sad for younger Alyssa who didn’t know how critical she was being to herself, and for all the people I’ve held to an impossible standard because I thought everyone had that little voice in the back of their head too. 

Matt has been the picture of gospel grace to me, in our relationship at large and even more so in these first few months of marriage. Now he has a window into every moment of my day and he is starting to see close up the sinful patterns that go on in my head, heart, and behavior. It is a vulnerable place to be in, but he has shown me in the flesh that Jesus has grace for me. Jesus would be the spouse who invites me to sit with Him instead of running to do chores (Luke 10, sound familiar?) Jesus would be the one willing to be late if it meant pausing to give attention to someone who needs it. I want to be more like Matt, and I want to be more like our common Savior. Thank you Jesus for giving me a husband who is teaching me in human flesh what Your grace looks like!

In closing, here is an excerpt from a liturgy by Audrey Elledge and Elizabeth Moore titled, "A Liturgy for Perfectionists" :

"God of immeasurable perfection, all we can see is all we are not. We are haunted by the sense that we will never measure up, consumed by the belief that we will never be enough--so meet us here in our helplessness. We are mysteries unto ourselves, Lord, demanding standards we are incapable of keeping, motivated by a desire to do what is good yet lacking the ability to carry it out. The world tells us that we are enough, but deep down, we fear that we are not."

The liturgy closes with:

"Thank you, Author and Perfecter of our faith, for revealing our tendency

toward perfectionism, for to be caught in weakness is a mercy...Let us never think, Oh God, that you expect us to be perfect in our own strength, but rather, strengthen us in our weakness. You are the way and the truth and the life. Let the pain of our imperfections be a gentle reminder of our need for You."