The gifts of an introvert

I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to avoid, defend, and change my natural bend towards introversion. Up until recently, I probably would have told you that I’m an extrovert, and even now I’m tempted to give a caveat and defend myself: “I still love people! I'm not always anti-social!”

I am quick to admit that I don’t want to be an introvert! I want to be the girl that always has capacity for another friend, another social outing, another post-work plan. And yet, I often enter large social gatherings feeling intimidated and anxious, and leave feeling exhausted. I much prefer my deep, intentional one on one coffee dates, or small groups of close friends. 

When considering introversion and extroversion, it’s been helpful for me to realize that it’s more of a preference than a determined, never-changing personality trait. Do you prefer the inner world or the outer social world? Are you energized by solitude or large social gatherings? Do you process internally or externally? Do you prefer, or feel most comfortable with, breadth or depth in relationships? 

I think part of the reason why I am resistant to embrace my introverted tendencies is because in our Western culture, extroversion is placed on a pedestal, whereas introversion is defined in the negative—by what we lack. Introverts aren’t loud, excitable, or necessarily charismatic. Introverts have less energy, and are often perceived as anti-social or aloof. I’ve had many people tell me that I’m intimidating when you first meet me, and I usually blame that on my height, but I’ve come to wonder if it’s also because I’m generally quiet and not very expressive in large social groups.

On the contrary, extroverts are often painted with positive and glowing adjectives: charismatic, fun, exciting, magnetic, attractive. Susan Cain calls it the “Extrovert Ideal—the belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight.” This shift in cultural personality values happened within the last 100 years, as social and professional success became more about performing socially in business and sales instead of about the quiet integrity of an earlier, less developed farm era.

As a response to the shame I feel around my introverted tendencies, I’ve swung to two different extremes in different seasons of life. There’s been times where I’ve tried to fit into an extroverted mold, saying yes to all social gatherings and trying my best to fit in, have a fun personality, and be “popular”. Those are always exhausting seasons! Then, on the other extreme, there’s been times where I shrink back and settle into isolation. This goes beyond the necessary solitude to rest and recharge, and bleeds into an unhealthy isolation where I lose the motivation to bring my full and authentic self into community. 

I’ve recently started reading this book called “Introverts in the Church” and it is beginning to change my self perception and my understanding of what it means to be a believer with introverted tendencies. It has made me ponder the question: what if God made me with introverted tendencies, on purpose? What if my introversion wasn’t a problem to be solved, but an avenue to bring my Creator greater glory? Adam McHugh suggests that introverted personality types are actually a gift to the church and to the world at large, saying, “We enrich the body of Christ when we express our gifts within community and when we love at personal costs to ourselves.” He goes on to describe the gifts of introversion: calmness, naturally slower pace of life and heart, wisdom from seeking time alone with the Lord, intercession, listening, compassion, study and reflection, writing, Sabbath rest, and intentional depth in relationships. 

While extroverts are quick to notice what God is doing around them, introverts are gifted to see the beautiful intricacies of what God is doing in them and in their close friends. They love to experience the revelation of the Holy Spirit in quiet contemplation. I have noticed in myself, that it is not uncommon to be in prayer, journaling, or on a quiet walk alone, and to notice that words, not my own, are pouring out of me. I believe that it’s the way the Lord chooses to speak to me, by using my own words during private contemplation!

I’m still on a journey of redemption when it comes to claiming the label of “introvert.” There are a lot of negative stereotypes that come with that label, and I will have to learn how to sift through the cultural lies to find and embrace the truth that the Lord made me with these preferences, and they are good. Yes, I have a smaller social capacity, but He has also gifted me to take deep delight in reflection and contemplation, and has enabled me to hear His voice in those silent spaces. He has made me to enjoy listening quietly to my friends share about their lives, and to genuinely prefer serving behind the scenes. These are gifts, not limitations, and I am eager to see how He might use me when I learn to not only accept, but to embrace and champion these gifts that He’s given me.